Welcome to the musings and notes of a Cadillac, Michigan based writer named Micah Holmquist, who is bothered by his own sarcasm.
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I’m sorry. The man had a vision… a vision of the world where people did not lug around all of those ugly pages and discs, because they had at least one of his devices on their person at all moments. You can debate the pros and cons of his vision all you want, but if you do not have an iPad, iPhone or some other iDevice, then you have no business reading about his life.
Have people started complaining that carrying around an ipod or such is just too much of a burden? I mean it isn't a far stretch from "compact discs and portable cd players are too heavy and cumbersome to carry around everywhere so I need something better because I can't possibly bear to spend any amount of my ever so important life with out access to great music that I love so much" to "why should I have to transport anything?"
Many will say the solution is for the files to be placed in a hard drive that has been added to one's one brain -this will also help a certain evil individual- but this is nonsense. Everyone will just say the surgery ruins their beautiful head or something.
The real answer is to create a universal soundtrack for life. Just set up stereos everywhere and play them loud. People will be loud to put in earplugs if they want to sleep, watch tv or just have quiet time. Other that that everybody will hear the same thing in exchange for not having to carry anything around.
Now, I know you all are asking, "but what if people want to talk with their friends?" You shouldn't waste your time on this because that will be outlawed as will listening to other purely audio documents. I of course have misgiving about executing people for these offenses but the law is the law.
I'm not worried that this will result in me, out of desperation, becoming interested in whatever exactly Jay-Z is rapping about, because that won't happen as I most certainly will be in control of the play list. And just to make sure that people hate it, singles will be rare. My populace is going to be listening to extend pieces of music and/or multiple tracks by the same creator(s). For instance, this month it will be all Hamid Drake, Bill Hicks and Susie Ibarra.
Kids know a lot of stuff about computers and how to use stuff to turn “1”s and “0”s into messages similar to the one you are reading now that can be read, listened to and/or viewed by people all over the world, including people who might want to meet up with your young precious child that just absolutely had to be born and run the risk of winding up in hell for eternity because you and God could not under any circumstances have happy lives without her or him. Then, so I’ve been told, this bad person on the other end will do bad, unspeakable things to the only thing that makes your life worth living.
Parents are usually confused by the computer machines and do not understand, but they must if they want to keep their kids safe. Parents should know what their kids are doing online at all times and reward them for not meeting up with people they meet online until they are 18 when, if they were currently older now than they are, they would get in on the early days of online dating and arrange all these great dates with interesting people who don’t show up. A good reward is marijuana, but only if you are an irresponsible parent who does not keep loaded guns within easy access.
Kids should be taught that the “people” “they” “meet” “online” may in fact be time travelers who want to kill them so that Hitler is allowed to rise again and team up with Fawn Hall –the real mastermind of Iran Contra, which was known amongst its participants as Not Contra Iran Because We Want To Have Them As A Really Great Evil Enemy That Might Fight Back When Attacked In Two Decades Or So- to defeat that Decker guy who in another version of events always wanted to capture the A-Team but who in reality was a great protector of valuable young people who just want to make the world a slightly less lousy place while learning a little about independence and what truly is the tuning fork of the great American spirit that has very little effect on Canada.
Parents should monitor their children at all times. If you can’t be at home, hire a security guard to monitor the camera that follows your child around everywhere. As a parent, you must not let anything slide. For example, if you should just so happen to catch your son or daughter looking at adult oriented and/or pornographic material or materials, beat them up and threaten them with death if they ever do it again, unless of course you did the right thing and had already threatened them with death. In that case, murder them. Close communication like this will do wonders and backing up your threats will give you the credibility you might need in the future.
Most importantly fathers and mothers need to instill a sense of pride in their beloveds. That or make them so depressed and fearful of others that they will not interact with humans or animals. That’s what I did with my kids and it worked out just fine.
I know this is hard but as a parent you have the most important job ever –raising each child that you have in a manner that allows them to be a productive member of society- and so there are no excuses. Junior might not like you, but he will love you. And isn’t that what life is all about?