micah holmquist's irregular thoughts and links

For shame!

I am highly disappointed to find out that the government of Myanmar is accepting U.S. aid in any way, shape or form.

It was music to my ears, and good music too, when I read last week that they were not doing so. (Or maybe I just heard it. I don't really know.) Finally, I thought to myself, here is a government of what Moe Szyslak once so brilliantly called "one of them loser countries" that is not whining about this and demanding that. Give us food, buy us mosquito nets and don't bomb us are just some of the cries that make me sick to my stomach. They might be reasonable on some level, but I am just so tired of hearing them that I have to wonder, do these people have no sense of self-reliance? I mean, I don't blame them for thinking they are losers, as such is an accurate assessment of their situation, but at least have enough shame and decency to pretend that your life is worth living.

The government of Myanmar had an opportunity to send a very clear that message to both their people and the rest of the world that the losers once known as the Burmese suck and that a natural disaster should not provoke any concern that does not otherwise exist. But now they are even admitting to getting assistance from outside the country (New York Times, May 14). What's next? Cadillacs and t-bones?

I wish there was an easy answer to this predicament as the truth is we Americans really are to blame. After the cyclone, or whatever it was, hit last week, our cable news networks were all too eager to make this the second largest story in the world without any regard to how doing so might prevent a talking head from repeating for the ninth time an opinion about the U.S. presidential election that everybody has already heard expressed by 50 other people.

Is that the kind of America you want to live in?

The rapture will have happened before you read this

How do I know? The Pope, having finally bothered after three years to visit God’s Greatest People, is now speaking before the general assembly of the United Nations.

Seriously, since Jimmy Carter gets criticized for meeting with members of Hamas, I think the Pope should get some flak for meeting with George W. Bush.

I think it is great for America that the governor of the state where all the journalists live has been caught in business dealings with women who prostitute themselves.

This news will discourage regular clients of prostitutes, as well potential news clients, from utilizing these services and instead they will be forced to explain to their lovers and spouses that watching panda porn is the only way they can get aroused. This will bring couples closer together as people try to accommodate the sick perversions of their one and only, or perhaps split them up leading to a necessary realignment. America will eventually be a much happier place as a result.

More importantly, due to decreased demand for their services, men and women will leave the prostituting arts for more lucrative careers in let us say bank robbing. This in turn will lead to an increase in the number of dead bank tellers that is both stark and dramatic. Cemeteries will be forced to expand by purchasing new tracts of land. This will bid up the price of real estate and therefore will end our nation's housing crisis and bring us out of the economic troubles that threaten to make us a place the terrorists won't even bother to want to destroy.

Or, at the very least, Kandy will now believe me when I tell her I am the governor of a state in some other part of the country.

My advice to Ralph Nader

Dear Mr. Nader,

I hate you and blame you for stealing the 2000 presidential election away from the only Vice President cool enough to do a voice on Futurama and keeping a Jewish man from being the veep. Your are the reason are soldiers have died in Iraq and the president is not a smart man. You suck.

I believe a third party would be nice, but now is not the time. Maybe you could do it in 2004  2008 2012 or whenever Republicans do not exist. You should not run for president this year because you have already done enough damage and I don't like you and we have an exciting candidate this time. John Kerry Barack Obama isn't like Al Gore John Kerry. We've got a good progressive candidate this time.

Also, I think you did good things once in your life but now you are just an egotistical, crazy, foolish, evil, senile old man who should be hit by a car after he retires. Oh yeah, you should retire now.

Wait a second, I'm not a Democratic idiot. I think some of the work from my day job as a member of the Democratic Party (yes, I know I should transfer to Wal-Mart, but I find dignity to be overrated) has accidentally been pasted here. So now, with no further delay, here is the irregularly scheduled post...

I'm Micah Holmquist and I am having a hard time deciding what to think of Ralph Nader's officially announced yesterday presidential campaign. I believe that Nader is the best candidate the anti-war left can put forward this year in terms of reaching people, but, at the same time, I do not think he will reach many new people this year.

Four years ago should have been wonderful time for a Nader presidential bid. Congressional Democrats had done very little to keep a check on the Bush Administration and its authoritarian bellicosity –even less than they have done now- and the Democratic nominee was the pro-occupation of Iraq John Kerry. And yet roughly one percent of the presidential votes went to candidates not named Bush or Kerry (AP, November 24, 2004).

Similarly, it seems to me that 2008 should be great for a third party anti-war candidate due to the Democrat Party's established record of not doing much to end the occupation of Iraq even though they control the U.S. Congress. But then I see the vicious attacks directed at Nader by the likes of Joshua Micah Marshall (February 24), John Mashek (U.S. News & World Report, February 25) and the Daily Kos crowd, and I start to believe that Nader’s campaign is unlikely to have any positive progress this year.

That said, perhaps I am really horrible at political prognostication, in which case maybe, just maybe, this current run will help some people see how Democrats and Republicans work together for glories of war.

Two things I would like to see from Nader are more emphasis on the Iraq war and more straightforward denunciations of the Democratic Party as a misnamed party of war. Another is a more confrontational tact with hostile journalists. Take this exchange from yesterday's Meet the Press where, as always, Tim Russert represents every single journalist there is:

MR. RUSSERT:  How would you feel, however, if Ralph Nader's presence on the ballot tilted Florida or Ohio to John McCain and McCain became president, and Barack Obama, the first African-American who had been nominated by the Democratic Party--this is hypothetical--did not become a president and people turned to you and said, "Nader, you've done it again"?

MR. NADER:  Not a chance.  If the Democrats can't landslide the Republicans this year, they ought to just wrap up, close down, emerge in a different form. You think the American people are going to vote for a pro-war John McCain who almost gives an indication that he's the candidate of perpetual war, perpetual intervention overseas?  You think they're going to vote for a Republican like McCain, who allies himself with the criminal, recidivistic regime of George Bush and Dick Cheney, the most multipliable impeachable presidency in American history?  Many leading members of the bar, including the former head of the American Bar Association, Michael Greco, absolutely dismayed over the violations of the Constitution, our federal laws, the criminal, illegal war in Iraq and the occupation?  There's no way.  That's why we have to take this opportunity to have a much broader debate on the issues that relate to the American people, as, as, as a fellow in Long Island said recently, Mr. Sloane, he said, "These parties aren't speaking to me.  They're not speaking to my problems, to my family's problems."

Nader’s response is fine, I guess. He gives the people of the land of the free way too much credit, but I understand why he is not going to say, "If John McCain is elected, people will deserve what they get."

Still, I would like to see him take a different tact and respond along the lines of, "Well Tim, are you going to ask the Republican nominee how it feels to be yet another good white Christian man trying to keep a darkie out of a job? Or if Hillary Clinton somehow recovers and becomes the nominee are you going to ask the Republican how it feels to be actively working to beat a woman? Moreover, have you ever asked any candidate why they do not want a Lebanese man to be president? If not, shut the fuck up and let me give a speech on important matters."

OK, that probably wouldn't work but I do not believe it would hurt the campaign any and it would get people talking.

My questions for Clinton and Obama

Politico (February 8) and ABC 7 (which looks to cover the general Washington DC area) are asking people to submit the questions they would like to see Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama asked. So I figured I would list some that are on my mind…

-Why have you not actively used your position as a member of the U.S. Senate to end the occupation of Iraq?

-Given that you support the death penalty, do you favor a law that turns a president lying in order to justify war into a crime punishable by death?

-What is your opinion of the Federal Communication Commission's enforcement of prohibitions against profane broadcasts?

-Why have you voted for the USA PATRIOT act?

As you can probably gather, I was not trying to be funny with these questions. I wanted them to be inquiries that I would like to hear Clinton and Obama's answers to and yet, while reasonable by the standards of mainstream political discourse, probably will not be asked. Save for one obvious exception, I believe my questions meet these criteria.

Also, if I asked the last question, I would be strongly tempted to add, I mean, why not just come out and say, "the Bush Administration is a fine group of trustworthy fellows?"

Why I've decided to endorse Barack Obama

With his victory in the caucuses of Iowa and apparent lead in the opinion polls of New Hampshire, Barack Obama has proven that he is the bright, young, youthful, optimistic leader that America needs right now at this moment in time when we need fresh ideas like raiding a Pakistani village and rummaging through all the houses because we have some info suggesting Osama might be there. (I assume that is what acting upon "actionable intelligence" means since nobody seems too interested in finding out for sure.)

The only problem with this endorsement that I can possibly see is that it encourages the bandwagon effect, a little known, rare occurrence where something becomes even more popular as a result of something becoming more popular.

Nonetheless, I have to go with Obama because, unlike Ralph Wiggum, the candidate I'd support if electability were not such an important issue, he is a serious candidate.

Predictions for 2008

-Internet usage will fall by at least 50 percent. People will instead spend more time whacking piñatas and reciting poetry. Some people will try to whack piñatas while reciting poetry, but the general public will consider them crazy and rightfully so.

-The most popular television show will be Jenna Bush: From Afghanistan to Iraq. This reality show will follow the first daughter and a 12 year old Afghan girl who lost seven toes to U.S. bombs as they travel from Afghanistan to Iran and then onto Iraq. Along the way, the couple will learn how to cultivate and harvest opium poppies, enrich uranium for peaceful purposes and name a teddy bear according to the dictates of Islamic law.

Given the genre of this show, there will no doubt appear to be sexual tension between the Jenna and the Afghan girl. Whether the two win a mighty struggle to remain professional or this apparent tension was merely the product of creative editing will be a topic hotly debated by the few remaining users of the Internet for the next couple of years.

Whatever the truth of this matter, the penultimate episode of this series will feature Jenna introducing her friend to a nice 13 year old Iraqi boy who is missing six of his fingers and one thumb. The doctors had to cut them off in order to save his life after he had an ugly encounter with some weapons and ammunition left out by Uncle Sam to lure in dangerous terrorists such as this boy. The Afghan and Iraqi kids hit it off and decide to get married.

The final episode shows Jenna, who is now widely known as "the woman every single American would like to fornicate with," going to great lengths to put on an elaborate wedding ceremony. She even arranges for Billy Ray Cyrus' daughter to perform at the proceedings, which are indeed magnificent. For better or worse, the U.S. military accidently bombs the wedding party and kills every non-American there.

Although some see this ending as a bit of a downer, Jenna Bush: From Afghanistan to Iraq is universally regarded as one of the greatest programs in the history of humanity and its ratings far exceed that of every other television show, including the Super Bowl. "This show taught us all how to cry again," Bob Costas will say. "But more importantly it taught us how to love for the first time."

Some accepting gossip magazine sold at supermarkets to people with no shame will intend to publish a story about how the Afghan girl, who like her late husband will never be named in the tv series due to security concerns, was pregnant before the two got married. Bill O'Reilly will rail against this publication and the authorities will step in and crush the magazine.

-A Republican will win the 2008 presidential election in the land of the free. In unrelated news, New Zealand will experience a violent revolution.

-NASCAR baffles everyone when it hires Ikue Mori and Tom Waits to collaboratively compose and record a new theme song for the automobile racing organization. There is some acrimony between Mori and Waits over whether Marc Ribot should record a fierce electric guitar solo or play a banjo in an odd rhythm, but the end result, which features both contributions from Ribot and sounds like the crazy wails of a computer that refuses to believe it is out of date just because it was built in 1994, is one of the most beautiful pieces of music ever.

Attendees at a February pre-race concert see things a bit differently, however, and express great displeasure. All of the musicians on stage -Mori, Waits, Ribot as well as Greg Cohen and Casey Waits- die in the violence that follows.

Such a tragedy is the last place you would expect to look towards for good news, but there will be some. People finally see how awful NASCAR is and they are out of business before the start of baseball's regular season.

Sensing a void, Micah Holmquist Enterprises Inc. Ltd. steps in with the FASTCAR racing league. (FASTCAR will stand for something, although I have no idea what. Can any readers get me in contact with the person responsible for coming up with what the USA PATRIOT Act stood for?) FASTCAR will do things a little bit differently "Because we love auto racing!™"

We will allow drivers to race any kind of vehicle they want and limit their driving only to the limits they set for themselves even as we strictly enforce our rule that weapons may not be fired unless they are contained within, deployed on or otherwise affixed to the racing car. No deviations from this rule will be permitted and our punishments will be harsh.

We will also give our fans a chance to be part of the show. One car will be driven by a needy child bound to die within the next 12 months. We will let them drive the car until they die. Additionally, one lucky racegoer will be randomly chosen to drive another car in the race until they are unable to do so, at which point another more or less randomly challenged attendee will get a shot at the big time.

Most importantly, at the end of each lap, each driver will be required to consume a shot of hard liquor before he, or perhaps even she, can start the next lap. We will have originally intended to require the consumption of a randomly selected hard drug, but will decide that this rule might cause us to run afoul of the law. With alcohol, we will be able to say that "It is the responsibility of each driver to know when to say when enough is enough™."

FASTCAR is a huge success and I become a multi-millionaire as a result. And I certainly do not mean one of those poor multi-millionaires either. I will have enough money so that I can get Keith Olbermann to admit that he enjoys covering celebrity stories even when a comedian does not join him. (Actually, now that I write that, I wonder how much money that would actually take.)

Therefore, I will sell the company in order to become a respectable fraction of a billionaire and to pursue my true calling – going out on a date with Winona Ryder.

-The Republican Party’s vice presidential nominee is Dick Cheney.

Does Cheney get a kick out of Bush?

President George W. Bush showed why he is one of the greatest living Americans yesterday when, speaking about Lebanon and how it decides who should make up its government, he said, "majority plus one ought to determine who the president is."

What a brilliant statement! President Bush understands that if Lebanon were to model their electoral system after that of the United States of America, we would run the risk that Lebanon might be able to compete with us in the greatest country contest within a few years.

And if we lost that, we would have nothing to be proud of as Americans.

Seriously, Bush comes across in press conferences, like the one where he made the above comment, like he is making up what he is saying as he goes along even as he repeats things he has said in public many times before. So why does he do them?

I suppose there might be some great explanation involving how press conferences allow the media to look tough and feel good about themselves, while Bush's supporters can think that the press is ganging up on the president and thus they feel greater support for Bush.

But what I really believe is that Bush gets sent out there because Cheney finds it funny to see the president look like a complete idiot in public and know that nobody is going to do anything about the actions of the current presidential administration. Reporters will not ask tough questions and demand answers. There won't be any impeachment and congress won’t be cutting off war funds. And there certainly won't be any mass uprisings. If Uncle Sam bombed Iran with nuclear weapons tomorrow, it would probably be a wash for Bush's poll numbers.

Perhaps the only positive out of all of this is that Cheney gets to laugh and that should be good for his health.

It is time we all face the truth

A U.S. District Court ruled yesterday that the White House would have to release its visitor logs. So far we know that the likes of James Dobson and Jerry Falwell visited the building as opposed to teleconferencing as we all suspected they were limited to doing (Michael Abramowitz, Washington Post, December 18).

Once the group that received these records because they sued for them, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, digs a bit deeper, I have no doubt that they will find the U.S. of A. is really run by Dick Cheney, Al Haig, the ghost of Scoop Jackson and Oliver North.

Nobody will pay much attention to this, however, because they will be too worried about whether or not big box retail stores are able to make enough money sell items at a 60 percent discount so as to keep the entire economy from collapsing. My guess is that they will not, which is why I am cornering the market on apples and pencils.

Thank you Larry Craig and the Minneapolis vice squad

I predict a banner night for efficient gay male bathroom sex all throughout America tonight. A little education can go a long ways.

Now, how do lesbians attract a stall mate?