A bunch of administrators and journalists claim that schools are closing because an abundance of flu-like symptoms and we are just supposed to believe them.
The idea that an outbreak of the flu could even happen is preposterous. The flu has been around for at least a decade or two, so by my figuring each and every one of us have either developed immunity or died.
What is causing these closings? While some do-gooders might suspect that a bunch of asbestos has been found and the flu is a convenient excuse, the truth is far more sinister. Besides asbestos is really good for you. Like lead paint, it builds strong bones and makes the paint jobs on Simpsons collectables more consistent.
The truth is that these government school closings are an attempt by communist administrators to cancel high school football games just as the playoffs have rolled around. You see, many schools have a stupid rule that requires them to cancel after school athletic events just because all of the academic classes, many of which are in worthless subjects such as social studies.
These obviously progressive inspired rules provide the perfect opportunity to cancel games, which given the economy are often the only thing that keeps communities from coming apart in the small towns that still are the Real America.
If people can’t attend the games, men won’t get to tell each other boring stories as if that Bruce Springsteen song provided a good model on how to live life. And Mommy Patriots won’t be able to plan tea parties with each other as a way of passing the time after it has become clear that the snobbish team from down state is far better at football than their beloved Fighting Shoemakers. (They also won’t have time to work with one another on how to give their brilliant “losing is really good for you” speeches.)
Moreover, if the games do not take place, how will the pretty cheerleaders know to whom they should lose their virginity to? They might make a mistake and give it up to a dork on the debate team or even get confused and, out of boredom, do drugs with band fags instead of drinking beer with preppies. Just think of how horrific the children develop will be. And our republic will certainly be at loss without the attractive and strong children that not spring forth. We will have to bring in even more illegal immigrants!
In other words, the entire fabric that binds these societies will be destroyed to make room for Obama’s new vision of America. Without football, is America even worth fighting for?
I think in my gut that the brave men who founded this country, heroes of mine like George Washington and Thomas Paine, would say no. Fortunately, our America is still alive and fighting. We need quick action because we must have a constitutional amendment that makes it illegal to inject the risky flu vaccine into our athletic heroes. It should also prohibit government schools from cancelling athletic events in the important sports just because Miss. Johnson’s can’t teach about how awful slavery in America was by reading Huck Finn in her so-called English Literature class. I mean, have you read that book? Mark Twain used language in that book that I would be fired for using, but he could do it because he was a progressive.
Even if we don’t succeed in passing this amendment and even if the other side succeeds and cancels all of our games, I say we go to them anyway. I say we drag our children along and tell them that America is a free country where no commie boss can tell you when and where to play football.
Besides, without referees we can test my theory that players should have the option of carrying small clubs as an alternative to steroids.
it's clear you are on a mission to confuse and befuddle the hordes of honest, decent people who read blogs.
Posted by: Jonathan Versen | October 28, 2009 at 09:45 PM