1) President George W. Bush appears live via a satellite from a Baghdad maternity ward on January 1 during halftime of the Rose Bowl. The president takes a newborn from an incubator and shoots it in the face with one of Dick Cheney’s shotguns. The child dies instantly.
Most of the U.S. of A. is horrified and says, “January 20 cannot come fast enough. It is only too bad that we are unable to do anything about this guy till then.”
2) New President Barack Obama launches a missile a missile strike on some country that virtually nobody has thought about in the last 20 years, if not longer. This event is heralded as a great step forward for civil rights.
3) Obama also begins the great U.S. withdrawal from Iraq. By the end of the year, the U.S. has 649 few soldiers in Iraq than it did when Bush shot the baby.
4) It is proven that cellular phones do not harm the bee population. In fact, many scientists will come to believe that mobile phones are a net plus for bees and that without them, there would be no more honey in the world ever again. This is bad news as around September people will start to get tired of constantly explaining the dull details of their boring lives to other people.
5) The Detroit Lions football club goes winless for the second straight year, but in a different fashion. The team announces in May that it intends to each week field an entire roster of players who have never played in the NFL before this season. The goal is to cut costs and initially the plan is to use guys who would have played in the Arena Football League if that league had been active earlier in the year.
That, however, is deemed to not be very much fun by the team’s new consultant Micah Holmquist. This Holmquist fellow proposes that the Lions field a novelty team each week. For instance, the first week all of the Lions will be war veterans while the team will consist entirely of people born in Canada during the second game. Holmquist will say that his list of themes is nearly endless and he is particularly looking forward to the week where each man and woman on the roster will have a PHD from an accredited institution. “That game will show young people that education is important,” Holmquist will say.
Unfortunately, the idiots who get to say things on ESPN will unanimously paint this plan as a disgrace to the NFL and a mockery of sports in general. The Detroit Lions cowardly respond by largely nixing Holmquist’s plan and instead just fields a team each week of the otherwise unemployed.
