-Internet usage will fall by at least 50 percent. People will instead spend more time whacking piñatas and reciting poetry. Some people will try to whack piñatas while reciting poetry, but the general public will consider them crazy and rightfully so.
-The most popular television show will be Jenna Bush: From Afghanistan to Iraq. This reality show will follow the first daughter and a 12 year old Afghan girl who lost seven toes to U.S. bombs as they travel from Afghanistan to Iran and then onto Iraq. Along the way, the couple will learn how to cultivate and harvest opium poppies, enrich uranium for peaceful purposes and name a teddy bear according to the dictates of Islamic law.
Given the genre of this show, there will no doubt appear to be sexual tension between the Jenna and the Afghan girl. Whether the two win a mighty struggle to remain professional or this apparent tension was merely the product of creative editing will be a topic hotly debated by the few remaining users of the Internet for the next couple of years.
Whatever the truth of this matter, the penultimate episode of this series will feature Jenna introducing her friend to a nice 13 year old Iraqi boy who is missing six of his fingers and one thumb. The doctors had to cut them off in order to save his life after he had an ugly encounter with some weapons and ammunition left out by Uncle Sam to lure in dangerous terrorists such as this boy. The Afghan and Iraqi kids hit it off and decide to get married.
The final episode shows Jenna, who is now widely known as "the woman every single American would like to fornicate with," going to great lengths to put on an elaborate wedding ceremony. She even arranges for Billy Ray Cyrus' daughter to perform at the proceedings, which are indeed magnificent. For better or worse, the U.S. military accidently bombs the wedding party and kills every non-American there.
Although some see this ending as a bit of a downer, Jenna Bush: From Afghanistan to Iraq is universally regarded as one of the greatest programs in the history of humanity and its ratings far exceed that of every other television show, including the Super Bowl. "This show taught us all how to cry again," Bob Costas will say. "But more importantly it taught us how to love for the first time."
Some accepting gossip magazine sold at supermarkets to people with no shame will intend to publish a story about how the Afghan girl, who like her late husband will never be named in the tv series due to security concerns, was pregnant before the two got married. Bill O'Reilly will rail against this publication and the authorities will step in and crush the magazine.
-A Republican will win the 2008 presidential election in the land of the free. In unrelated news, New Zealand will experience a violent revolution.
-NASCAR baffles everyone when it hires Ikue Mori and Tom Waits to collaboratively compose and record a new theme song for the automobile racing organization. There is some acrimony between Mori and Waits over whether Marc Ribot should record a fierce electric guitar solo or play a banjo in an odd rhythm, but the end result, which features both contributions from Ribot and sounds like the crazy wails of a computer that refuses to believe it is out of date just because it was built in 1994, is one of the most beautiful pieces of music ever.
Attendees at a February pre-race concert see things a bit differently, however, and express great displeasure. All of the musicians on stage -Mori, Waits, Ribot as well as Greg Cohen and Casey Waits- die in the violence that follows.
Such a tragedy is the last place you would expect to look towards for good news, but there will be some. People finally see how awful NASCAR is and they are out of business before the start of baseball's regular season.
Sensing a void, Micah Holmquist Enterprises Inc. Ltd. steps in with the FASTCAR racing league. (FASTCAR will stand for something, although I have no idea what. Can any readers get me in contact with the person responsible for coming up with what the USA PATRIOT Act stood for?) FASTCAR will do things a little bit differently "Because we love auto racing!™"
We will allow drivers to race any kind of vehicle they want and limit their driving only to the limits they set for themselves even as we strictly enforce our rule that weapons may not be fired unless they are contained within, deployed on or otherwise affixed to the racing car. No deviations from this rule will be permitted and our punishments will be harsh.
We will also give our fans a chance to be part of the show. One car will be driven by a needy child bound to die within the next 12 months. We will let them drive the car until they die. Additionally, one lucky racegoer will be randomly chosen to drive another car in the race until they are unable to do so, at which point another more or less randomly challenged attendee will get a shot at the big time.
Most importantly, at the end of each lap, each driver will be required to consume a shot of hard liquor before he, or perhaps even she, can start the next lap. We will have originally intended to require the consumption of a randomly selected hard drug, but will decide that this rule might cause us to run afoul of the law. With alcohol, we will be able to say that "It is the responsibility of each driver to know when to say when enough is enough™."
FASTCAR is a huge success and I become a multi-millionaire as a result. And I certainly do not mean one of those poor multi-millionaires either. I will have enough money so that I can get Keith Olbermann to admit that he enjoys covering celebrity stories even when a comedian does not join him. (Actually, now that I write that, I wonder how much money that would actually take.)
Therefore, I will sell the company in order to become a respectable fraction of a billionaire and to pursue my true calling – going out on a date with Winona Ryder.
-The Republican Party’s vice presidential nominee is Dick Cheney.