Welcome to the musings and notes of a Cadillac, Michigan based writer named Micah Holmquist, who is bothered by his own sarcasm.
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If a shooting or two, a few fights and tense situations is the best you can do (Mike Musgrove, Washington Post, November 18), America has truly lost its way. I mean if somebody shoots at you, everybody knows you are supposed to shoot back… unless you are evil.
Tomorrow, at midnight, Sony Playstation 3 becomes available in the land of the free and hardcore gamers are already lining up to purchase this most coveted of items. Of course those lining up right now are lazy as the people who really care were there by this time yesterday. (Hopefully none will become depressed when they are forced to decide between making money by selling it on ebay or playing what I’m sure is the greatest video game console ever. Nope, that is way too optimistic. Hopefully none will commit suicide as a result.)
I do not know exactly what generation is interested in this, so I am just going to call them the Gen Video Game and explain why I want them to act violently tonight.
The legend of parents fighting over Cabbage Patch dolls is an important part of the Christmas traditions of each and every one of us. We cherish the story because it tells us that life can be laugh out loud funny and also reminds the brain that you have kick ass if you are going to get anywhere in life.
These are important things to know, so it is sad to note that these donnybrooks of love took place over two decades ago and since then there have been no magnificent toy fights. (I certainly am not going to count the Tickle Me Elmo Riots.) This needs to change and I believe Gen Video Game is the generation that can and will do it. (God has probably appointed them to do so, but I lack the time to go through the Book of Revelation right now.)
All day tomorrow I want to see them fighting over those Playstations. I want them to forgo wimpy weapons like knives in favor of guns and conventional bombs. (Only the terrorists use WMDs.) And because it is 2006, I want them to film all of their battles. If they can’t put them up over the Internet live, they should at least have them posted to youtube by the beginning of November 19.
All of America will be touched deeply by this footage. "Hey look, that nine year old just killed his 17 year old stepbrother in order to get the console at his house," we will say to our friends and loved ones.
"That's what makes America great," only some will reply, but we will all think it and, just like 911, it will be a moment where we all stand united. (I certainly hope you haven't lost your flags.) Maybe this one will last a bit longer.
Some might say that this might mean killing our young and thus could mess up the social security system or something. I consider such criticism to be that of pessimists and it seems like you always read that pessimists never appeal to the American public like an optimist who believes that we are just teaching them how awful another terrorists attack would be and that, as a result, they will become great patriots who defeat terrorism, so I expect those complaints to be rejected.
Others might say that violence is wrong. Even some pussy members of Gen Video Game are likely to mutter nonsense like, "I enjoy violent video games, but that doesn't I would actually kill people."
Balderdash, I say. Some people say that video games cause violence. Don't you just once want to prove them right? I sure would. (Then again, I avoid success because to do otherwise would mean betraying my Generation X slacker heritage.)
More importantly, if you live in home of the brave, you live under a government that has pretty violent policies towards the people of other countries. Have you camped out to protest this? Have you even protested this in any way other than hanging up on a recruiter? Have you done anything to oppose these policies?
The answer for most people, including most members of Gen Video Game, is no and with good reason, since these policies are just and good, as is participating in the Great Sony Slaughter.
And for those of you who say, "I don't really support these policies but because of ease and/or efficiency I have decided not to actively oppose them," I respond that this shows you are willing to make compromises and so participating in all of this fun shouldn’t be too much of a stretch. Embrace your contradictions, says this writer.
Just writing all of this makes me realize how much I wish I could be part of Gen Video Game, a group that most certainly includes people older than me, but I guess that isn’t what God wants for me to do right now. The sacred task falls on the shoulders of other people. I hope they don't disappoint me.
Have people started complaining that carrying around an ipod or such is just too much of a burden? I mean it isn't a far stretch from "compact discs and portable cd players are too heavy and cumbersome to carry around everywhere so I need something better because I can't possibly bear to spend any amount of my ever so important life with out access to great music that I love so much" to "why should I have to transport anything?"
Many will say the solution is for the files to be placed in a hard drive that has been added to one's one brain -this will also help a certain evil individual- but this is nonsense. Everyone will just say the surgery ruins their beautiful head or something.
The real answer is to create a universal soundtrack for life. Just set up stereos everywhere and play them loud. People will be loud to put in earplugs if they want to sleep, watch tv or just have quiet time. Other that that everybody will hear the same thing in exchange for not having to carry anything around.
Now, I know you all are asking, "but what if people want to talk with their friends?" You shouldn't waste your time on this because that will be outlawed as will listening to other purely audio documents. I of course have misgiving about executing people for these offenses but the law is the law.
I'm not worried that this will result in me, out of desperation, becoming interested in whatever exactly Jay-Z is rapping about, because that won't happen as I most certainly will be in control of the play list. And just to make sure that people hate it, singles will be rare. My populace is going to be listening to extend pieces of music and/or multiple tracks by the same creator(s). For instance, this month it will be all Hamid Drake, Bill Hicks and Susie Ibarra.