A bunch of administrators and journalists claim that schools
are closing because an abundance of flu-like symptoms and we are just supposed
to believe them.
The idea that an outbreak of the flu could even happen is
preposterous. The flu has been around for at least a decade or two, so by my
figuring each and every one of us have either developed immunity or died.
What is causing these closings? While some do-gooders might
suspect that a bunch of asbestos has been found and the flu is a convenient
excuse, the truth is far more sinister. Besides asbestos is really good for
you. Like lead paint, it builds strong bones and makes the paint jobs on Simpsons collectables more consistent.
The truth is that these government school closings are an
attempt by communist administrators to cancel high school football games just
as the playoffs have rolled around. You see, many schools have a stupid rule
that requires them to cancel after school athletic events just because all of
the academic classes, many of which are in worthless subjects such as social studies.
These obviously progressive inspired rules provide the
perfect opportunity to cancel games, which given the economy are often the only
thing that keeps communities from coming apart in the small towns that still
are the Real America.
If people can’t attend the games, men won’t get to tell each
other boring stories as if that Bruce Springsteen song provided a good model on
how to live life. And Mommy Patriots won’t be able to plan tea parties with
each other as a way of passing the time after it has become clear that the
snobbish team from down state is far better at football than their beloved
Fighting Shoemakers. (They also won’t have time to work with one another on how
to give their brilliant “losing is really good for you” speeches.)
Moreover, if the games do not take place, how will the
pretty cheerleaders know to whom they should lose their virginity to? They might
make a mistake and give it up to a dork on the debate team or even get confused
and, out of boredom, do drugs with band fags instead of drinking beer with
preppies. Just think of how horrific the children develop will be. And our
republic will certainly be at loss without the attractive and strong children
that not spring forth. We will have to bring in even more illegal immigrants!
In other words, the entire fabric that binds these societies
will be destroyed to make room for Obama’s new vision of America. Without
football, is America even worth fighting for?
I think in my gut that the brave men who founded this
country, heroes of mine like George Washington and Thomas Paine, would say no.
Fortunately, our America is still alive and fighting. We need quick action
because we must have a constitutional amendment that makes it illegal to inject
the risky flu vaccine into our athletic heroes. It should also prohibit
government schools from cancelling athletic events in the important sports just
because Miss. Johnson’s can’t teach about how awful slavery in America was by
reading Huck Finn in her so-called English
Literature class. I mean, have you read that book? Mark Twain used language in
that book that I would be fired for using, but he could do it because he was a
progressive.
Even if we don’t succeed in passing this amendment and even
if the other side succeeds and cancels all of our games, I say we go to them
anyway. I say we drag our children along and tell them that America is a free
country where no commie boss can tell you when and where to play football.
Besides, without referees we can test my theory that players
should have the option of carrying small clubs as an alternative to steroids.
